Legolas' Diary
by Lady Arabella
Summary: Well, it is...uh...Legolas' Diary!


Summary: Since I wrote the Great Debate, its prequel AND its sequel, I've gotten a lot of reviews saying Legolas isn't gay- in this I wrote a diary from his point of view, to give his side of the debate, which in my mind is only fair! Considering I think the elf IS gay, its bound to be pretty biased, but hopefully it'll give some readers a bit of a laugh!  
  
Title: The Great Debate- Legolas' Side Of The Story  
  
Author: AkAshA (LadyOfTheRings on ff.net and Soup Fiction)  
  
Rating: PG-13/15. Minor slash implied, swearing, god knows what else.  
  
Genre: Humour/Parody.  
  
Language: Still English.  
  
Disclaimer: No elves were hurt in the making of this fanfic. Some hobbits received minor, superficial injuries. Don't sue. Actually you can cause you won't get anything. But anyway. I don't own the characters. At all. Even Legolas. I know that's hard to believe, but I don't. : P  
  
A/N: I owe some of the jokes in this from various sites around the Internet, I don't think I got any from ff.net or soup fiction but if I did I thank you. I didn't purposely copy you I just read other fics and absorb things from them.  
  
  
  
  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
So bored. Was told to keep this diary because Bilbo wanted a record of what we did. He told Frodo to do it but no, he's the ring-bearer so I have to do whatever he says. Hope he gets corrupted. So far, nothing to do because all hobbits seem to do is walk, eat and sleep. NO fun whatsoever. Dumb hobbits. Should use them for target practise, but would probably go on a guilt trip and feel sorry for them. Aragorn walked past me earlier, sniggered and called me an elf. Duh. I called him human scum and he went off looking for Frodo in a huff. Damn humans. So touchy. Wish he would pay attention to me again.  
  
  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
No orcs to hunt. So I'm very bored. Tried target practise on hobbits, but they run too quickly, so tried it on dwarves. Very good, easy to aim at and you don't get the same guilt trip as when you use hobbits. Might also take up dwarf kicking. Need exercise, considering Aragorn has taken up ignoring me. Sheesh. Talk about male PMS. Stupid Arwen. Wish she would drop dead, now that she has given her pretty necklace to Aragorn he is ignoring my existence. What is so damn special about that necklace? He said he didn't want it, and then took it anyway. It's not like she's going to die because of it.  
  
  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Have learned that Arwen WILL die because she gave Aragorn her pretty necklace. Good. Now all I have to do is wait. I have also learned that the hobbits smoke weed. High midget thingies! You have no idea how funny that is til you see Frodo giggling like a fangirl. Dislike Gimli intensely, because he stole my hairbrush after I plaited his beard. Tried to also plait Gandalf's, but he woke up and hit me with his staff til I let go. Stupid wizard. Wish he were dead.  
  
  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Now Gandalf is dead. Typical. Maybe if I say I hate Gimli again and wish HE was dead then he might drop dead too. Probably not. Now Aragorn is in charge. Boromir is jealous and looks like he is ready to kill him at any moment. Boromir also loves Frodo. Sam will seriously injure him if he tries anything. Bashed Pippin today for bagging out Aragorn. Also got into trouble again because Elrond found out I lost Gollum. I lost Gollum, and now I'm stuck with Frodo. I want Gollum back. Have begun season of dwarf kicking. Lots of fun. Gimli not impressed.  
  
  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Aragorn can summon the dead. Cool. Still no orcs to hunt. Found some hobbit weed in Merrys' backpack, and smoked it. Now realise why hobbits smoke it but elves never have. Stopped smoking weed because it may ruin my beautiful peaches and cream complexion and smooth hair. Aragorn needs to get a life. He's still 'mourning' over Arwen. Man, its not like she was THAT great in bed or anything. Not that I would know anything about that.in more cheerful news, Pippin set his breakfast on fire by mistake, and I have discovered fire. It is very pretty, wonder what Gimli would look like covered in fire. Probably bring out his little black eyes. Stupid dwarf.  
  
  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
No longer like Aragorn. Was making elfist comments at breakfast, because I was in a bad mood after Gimli used my hair bands for kindling. Stupid dwarf. Kicked him again and went and sat in a tree until Merry came up and offered half an apple to me. Took it because I was hungry, and my food pack was down the tree and I didn't want to talk to Gimli and Aragorn. Merry is very nice. Wonder if he's single? Boromir still likes Frodo. And Sam still looks like he's going to kill Boromir if he even lays one scummy human finger on him. Don't blame him. I hate humans. And dwarves. Stupid dwarves.  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Frodo confiscated my dwarf-kicking boots, so the season is over. Killjoy. Wonder why I haven't aimed any arrows at him yet. Probably because Aragorn is too protective, I want to shoot them all at Gimli, or maybe because I haven't got any left until I find some tomorrow. Found about three, last night, but shot them at Gimli. Stupid dwarf. Aragorn spoke to me. I was going to ram Arwen's pretty little necklace down his throat. Instead, I said that the necklace looked like a sissy necklace and looked like it belonged on a girl. He slapped me. Stupid humans. Almost as bad as dwarves.  
  
  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Saw Galadriel. Accused me of bathing in her mirror, then condemned me to washing her feet after I was spying on her and Frodo. He asked what he would see in the mirror, and I couldn't contain myself and yelled out 'You stupid bint of a hobbit, your fucking reflection!' without realising it was a special, magic mirror thingy. Galadriel is acting more and more like an evil stepmother each day. She turned green and evil looking when Frodo offered her the ring. He's lucky no one has actually taken the ring yet; he's offered it to so many people. Cannot be tempted by the ring at all, because I am an elf so I already get to live forever plus I have everything I need i.e. enough arrows to shoot at Gimli, dwarf kicking boots, beautiful hair and skin, nice boyfriend and a butt like granite. Frodo is getting on my nerves. Everyone is babying him, which means I don't get any compliments on my appearance anymore. I like Merry. He's cool. He told me that when we finish this quest, I can live with him and we can share his Nintendo 64. I can't wait because he said he'd teach me how to play Pokemon. I like Pikachu. Nice little electrocuting rat/mouse/ferret/hamster/domesticated rodent.  
  
  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Now Boromir is dead. We are officially screwed. Sam denied anything to do with Boromir's death. How times did he get shot? He was like a goddamned pincushion! Was kissed my Aragorn though. I'm telling Arwen. But does an elf need to get filled with arrows to get any action around here? Jesus, you'd think we'd broken up or something. Oh no. Maybe we have. No. I'll kill Arwen myself if she makes Aragorn break up with me. Stupid elf. Stupid Elrond, for not dropping Arwen on her skull as she was born. Gimli's beard was set on fire this morning by 'accident' after he continued making the same wisecracks and elfist remarks that Aragorn was the day before yesterday. Ran out of arrows to aim at Gimli. Must go and find some more.  
  
  
  
  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
This is taking it TOO far! First everyone picks on me for being with Aragorn, now someone has stolen my Britney Spears CD! I'll kill whoever has it, but I have a sneaking suspicion that Gimli was using it as a drink coaster. Any wonder he can sit down, the amount of arrows I've shot into his butt over the last week. Found some orcs to hunt. Last night Frodo and Merry smoked the last of their pipe-weed and got high as kites. No fair, because they wouldn't share. They started doing the chicken dance, but once they started clucking Aragorn made them sit down. Poor loveable, dancing challenged midget thingies!  
  
  
  
Dear diary,  
  
Have discovered that Gimli's looks make him a heavy resemblance to a cave- troll. Aragorn is talking to me again. He said he was sorry about slapping me. I told him he deserved what I said to him, and that I still think that the pretty necklace makes him look like a fag. He slapped me again and went and sat next to Frodo. Stupid Frodo. Stupid human. Stupid DWARF! Very short entry today, because I have done nothing but hunt orcs and shoot at Gimli, which means I am in my element and am a very happy elf.  
  
  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Merry looks hot today. Still haven't figured out if he's single or not. Aragorn called me Mirkwood trash, so I called his girlfriend a stupid bitch and him a crack whore fairy princess who perves on hobbits. He slapped me again and pushed me into a lake, then went and sat next to Frodo. If I was Frodo and was not gay I would be afraid, very, VERY afraid. Found my dwarf- kicking boots again, and have resumed competition. Merry has another pair of boots so we have begun competing against one another. Am also teaching Merry how to plait and braid as well as aiming and shooting arrow at Gimli. Gimli not impressed.  
  
  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Now Merry and Pippin have been kidnapped. Typical. Just when Merry and me are.hang on, I'm not writing that in here. I caught Aragorn reading this. Stupid human. Called him human scum again and he scowled and went and sat next to Frodo. Gimli has realised that I am shooting arrows at his ass, and it is not by mistake. He came over yelling and cussing in Dwarvish. I told him to go away otherwise I would shoot MORE arrows at his ass, and he called me a pretty boy, hit me over the head with his axe and went and sat on the other side of Frodo. I'm not Frodo but even I'm afraid for him. Poor midget thingy. Now have a headache, thanks to Gimli whacking me with his axe.  
  
  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
Sam and Frodo have split, leaving me alone with Gimli and Aragorn. Gimli told me he has started a new game, called elf whacking, so my game of dwarf kicking is continuing. I have the upper hand because I don't actually have to sleep very often. Aragorn and I stayed up really late last night and actually spoke to one another. He has decided because he has Arwen's pretty necklace (which I might add, still makes him look very gay) he is going to live forever and so am I cause even though I don't have a pretty necklace like Arwen I still live forever, he'll stay with Arwen and put up with her and Elrond until she dies then he'll be we me for eternity. YAY. Must go to sleep, have found good hiding spot and am paying squirrels to guard against Gimli. 


End file.
